About

My Stance & Overview

Real Talk: You know exactly how I feel about our betrayers diving into their recovery while leaving us, the betrayed and abused partners, to clean up their mess. The Separate Realities Chart (under Resources) broke me the first time I saw it in a meeting.

I didn’t scribble my relationship boundaries and expectations on a napkin at a brewery. I shared a Google Doc six months into our relationship, and we had monthly check ins like two grown ass consenting adults. This wasn’t some choose-your-own-adventure situation. Cam (Camille) knew and agreed to the rules. No confusion. No "I didn’t know". He just didn’t care to follow them. 

I'll share an analogy I used, because this wasn’t a mystery: These are the boundaries and safety rules if you want to access my protected national park. It’s a hypersensitive environment, prone to wildfires because of the wind and dry soil. The signs are everywhere: no sparks, no campfires, no smoking. If you want to enjoy the park, you have to follow the rules.

But selfishly, my betrayer and abuser decides to enjoy the park on his own terms. He lights up a cigarette mid-hike because he wants to experience it his way. Despite every warning, he tosses the cigarette on the ground and starts a wildfire.

Then, afraid of the consequences, he doesn’t call for help. He sneaks out of the park and goes home, pretending nothing happened. Meanwhile, I, the national park, am left burning to the ground, my landscape forever changed, while he goes about his life like it’s just another carefree day.

And that right there, is exactly what this betrayal feels like. Being manipulated, gaslighted, controlled, betrayed, and abused by the one person I opened up all my traumas to, hurts significantly more than anything else I’ve experienced - because I’ve only truly opened up to one other person in my life. 

If a sex and love addict truly wants to stay in a relationship with us, they must put us first. When I first came across Dr. Omar Minwalla’s Deceptive Sexuality and Trauma Treatment (DSTT) model and the concept of the "sexual secret basement", I spent over two hours frantically reading. It was the first time in my four months of full time recovery that I felt truly seen and heard. Anyway, here’s why I built my own custom recovery plan for my betrayer:

• SLAA’s (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) traditional 12-step model focuses on his personal powerlessness and surrender to a Higher Power. Meanwhile, DSTT centers on dismantling the deception system, providing trauma informed care, making relational restitution to me, and raising awareness about institutional betrayal and abuse.

• SLAA uses generalized “middle and bottom line behaviors.” Don't get me started on "slips vs relapses." On the other hand, DSTT requires him to specifically identify, disclose, and dismantle patterns of grooming, acting out, progressive risk markers, and deception tactics - especially the ones he’s least willing to face.

• SLAA centers on addiction recovery for him, while DSTT sees the harm done to me as just as urgent and in need of repair.

I believe in reparenting ourselves, and I’m still searching for my ideal DSTT 12 step program that is nervous system friendly. That’s why I created this site; it is my additional form of journaling, sharing with my fellow sisters and betrayed partners to help me on my own recovery.

If you’re on a similar journey, and you're results driven like me, please connect with me. Let’s share what’s been working to deal with all the BS.