FAQ & Documentation

If you received a message from me, have questions about my motives, or want context beyond rumor and gossip, please read this first.

The information and documentation provided here is based on my direct experience, supporting evidence, and the advice of licensed clinical professionals. My intent is to prioritize safety, informed consent, and clarity - not to cause harm, harass, or defame any individual. Every boundary or action described was established in response to specific incidents and with guidance from professionals. I took every reasonable step to address concerns privately and respectfully.

Over time, certain details have been omitted, minimized, or misrepresented by others, resulting in incomplete narratives circulating within our community. In light of this, I have determined it is necessary to clarify the context and provide accurate information for anyone affected or concerned. This is not about drama or revenge; it is about transparency, safety, and ensuring that no one is left at risk or without the full picture.

If you have questions, believe any information here is incorrect, or would like clarification or supporting documentation, I am open to honest conversation and am willing to provide additional details privately.

Why did you message Cam’s female contacts?

• Over the course of my relationship with Cam, I discovered a longstanding pattern: he monitored women’s social media, saved images without their knowledge or consent, and maintained hidden folders - including backups - of these materials. 

• Cam disclosed to me that he masturbated, sexualized, or fantasized about numerous women and girls, most of whom were unaware they were being viewed or used in this way. I also discovered that videos of me had been taken without my knowledge or consent.

• I chose to privately notify a small number of women who had dated him, who he disclosed, or who I believed might be at risk. My intent was to offer information I wish I’d received, and to prioritize their safety and privacy - not to cause public harm or embarrassment.

• I made every reasonable effort to keep these communications confidential, relevant, and respectful.

Why it matters:

• Every woman has the right to informed consent regarding her image, privacy, and safety. Disclosing Cam’s repeated, intentional actions was a measure to protect others from being unknowingly placed at risk.

Back to Top

Why did you tell women about Cam's history of minor attraction (pedophilia)?

• To the best of my knowledge, and based on Cam’s own disclosures in therapy and in writing, he described a long-term pattern of masturbation, sexualized romantic fantasies, and collecting images of minors (ages 6 and up, including relatives) without consent. He reported engaging in these behaviors daily for years, including during committed relationships, until about five years ago.

• Cam kept these behaviors private from partners and most therapists.

• He attended some therapy for these issues (less than two years in total, and not continuously), but, based on my direct observations and supporting documentation, he did not address the underlying patterns. Instead, he attempted to control his urges through willpower and secrecy, rather than through sustained clinical treatment.

• Written statements from therapists confirmed ongoing minimization, denial, and lack of full disclosure. Cam retained his image collection until about six months ago.

• Cam did not disclose the full context - including his living situation near an elementary school - to therapists, which meant some safety concerns could not be fully addressed or resolved.

• In 2025, I was the one who researched and initiated contact with specialized therapists and programs for these issues; Cam did not seek these out independently.

• Given the persistent minimization, lack of ongoing accountability, and proximity to vulnerable populations, I made a good faith report to police as a precaution - not as an accusation of criminal conduct.

• My decision to notify a limited number of women was based on my direct experience of risk and my belief that they deserved information I never received, especially if they had children or invited Cam to events where children were present. These notifications were made privately, with the intention of preventing future risk - not to shame, harass, or harm Cam.

Why it matters:

• When someone with a clinically recognized paraphilia or ongoing history of secrecy around high-risk behavior is not in sustained treatment and does not follow expert safety advice, it creates a foreseeable risk to others. Informing potential at-risk parties is recognized as a reasonable safety step in clinical literature, particularly when denial or lack of transparency persists.

Source:

AMA Journal of Ethics - Pedophilia: Is There a Duty to Report?

Back to Top

Why did you tell Cam’s family about his behavior?

• Cam broke confidentiality and shared edited and incomplete versions of my letters and our story with his family, which resulted in gaining sympathy, manipulating events, and avoiding accountability.

• I only disclosed additional context when it became clear that his family did not know the full extent of his history, behaviors, or risks - including the fact that he was living across from a school while concealing a history of attraction to minors.

• Disclosing risk to family members in high-risk situations is recommended by many clinical and safety protocols, especially when a partner refuses to be transparent about dangerous behaviors.

• In my experience, some of Cam’s family expressed skepticism about psychological support, discouraged ongoing recovery, and enabled secrecy around sexual behaviors. Some family members also encouraged Cam to disengage from recovery groups and question the need for professional help.

• My goal was never to shame Cam, but to ensure his family had accurate information so they could make informed choices about supporting him and protecting others.

Why it matters:

• Family members are often in a position to enable or intervene. Keeping them in the dark only perpetuates risk and allows for further minimization and denial. Disclosure is about safety and accountability.

Back to Top

Why couldn’t Cam have certain female friends or private conversations with women?

• In my experience, Cam demonstrated a recurring pattern of sexualizing, concealing, or blurring boundaries with women he knew - coworkers, exes, acquaintances, and friends from dating apps.

• These boundaries were never about gender or jealousy. They were a direct response to repeated violations of trust and secrecy in relationships.

• In betrayal trauma and sex addiction recovery, it is standard clinical practice to restrict or pause opposite-sex friendships, at least during recovery. When there is a long-term pattern of secrecy or repeated harm, these boundaries may be longer-term or permanent - especially if trust cannot be rebuilt.

• Boundaries were set after specific betrayals, not arbitrarily or at the start of our relationship. For example, after Cam continued private conversations with Marie (a childhood friend with whom he’d had a brief sexual relationship), despite our mutual agreement to pause communication to rebuild trust.

• To my knowledge, Cam did not maintain a single genuinely platonic female friendship without secrecy, fantasy, or inappropriate attachment. For example, he disclosed that he had fantasized about, downloaded pictures of, and masturbated to Sneha, a former roommate from Winnipeg he publicly described as “like a little sister.” This illustrates why these boundaries were needed.

• When I enforced these boundaries, Cam often minimized their importance, broke our agreements, and reframed me as “controlling.”

• Throughout our relationship, I encouraged Cam to focus on developing healthy male friendships, as he had few and often relied on women for emotional sexual gradualifcation and support.

• These boundaries were recommended and supported by treating clinicians and relationship experts.

Why it matters:

• Safety boundaries are about accountability and transparency, not control or punishment. When there is a documented pattern of secrecy and boundary violations, protective boundaries are a reasonable and recognized response to prevent further harm and support real healing.

Sources:
The Risk of Opposite-Sex Friendships

Back to Top

Why was content involving female online streamers off-limits?

• Cam frequently fantasized about women he did not know personally, including YouTube and Twitch streamers. His masturbation was often linked to real people, not just "generic" content.

• Therapists and recovery programs commonly recommend abstaining from masturbation and sexual fantasy in cases of problematic sexual behaviour. Research shows that even non-sexual content can become a trigger for compulsive behaviour if it is repeatedly paired with sexual activity. Objects or situations can become sexually arousing when frequently associated with masturbation.

• In Cam’s case, consuming non-sexual content involving women (such as streamers or influencers) became a known documented trigger, fueling obsessive patterns and acting out.

• Cam often minimized or broke these agreed-upon boundaries and shifted blame onto me for “not trusting” him. He returned to these behaviors whenever he believed there would be no accountability.

Why it matters:

• Exposure to triggers and ongoing sexual obsessions undermines trust and safety for everyone involved. Disregarding professional recommendations in these circumstances indicates ongoing risk and a lack of accountability.

Source:
Psychology Today – The Role of Masturbation in Sexual Compulsivity

WedMD - Paraphilias and Mental Health

Back to Top

Why were deception-based games (Blood on the Clocktower, Among Us, Secret Hitler, etc.) off-limits?

• Games centered on lying, deception, and secret alliances (such as Blood on the Clocktower) were identified as triggers for Cam’s fantasy life, sexual obsessions, masturbation, and patterns of compulsive dishonesty.

• These boundaries were not imposed arbitrarily; Cam himself participated in discussions and agreed that these games were not safe for him during recovery.

• Deception and manipulation are behaviors tied to addiction, often used to sustain the addiction and avoid accountability. Manipulation tactics such as "shifting the blame," "lying," and "causing fights" are typical addiction behaviors in relationships. Cam's engagement in these games, and his subsequent lying about it, was a return to the very behaviors that fuel his underlying issues.

• Deception and manipulation are recognized as behaviors used to sustain compulsive behaviors and avoid accountability. Manipulation tactics such as shifting blame, lying, and provoking conflict are documented patterns in addiction.

• Despite this agreement, Cam resumed playing these games without disclosing it, and described feeling “alive” engaging in them. When confronted, he reframed my concerns as “controlling,” rather than addressing the boundary violation.

• The return to these behaviors occurred as soon as external accountability diminished.

Why it matters:

• Real recovery requires consistently avoiding known triggers and honoring agreements set for safety and accountability. Secretly returning to high-risk behaviors undermines both recovery efforts and trust in relationships. Clinical guidance warns that ignoring agreed-upon boundaries is a common predictor of relapse and ongoing harm.

Source:

Common Ways People with Addiction Manipulate Others

Back to Top

Was Cam banned from being around women in public?

• No, there was never a blanket ban or any rule that prevented Cam from being around women in public. Such a restriction would be both unreasonable and unenforceable.

• Boundaries were put in place only for specific high-risk environments - such as certain social events, board game nights, or co-ed recovery meetings - where Cam had a documented history of secrecy, acting out, or using those settings to facilitate inappropriate behavior.

• When safety plans were recommended or mutually agreed upon, they were always targeted at situations directly linked to prior betrayals, not to everyday social interactions.

• Any suggestion that Cam was categorically “not allowed around women” is a misrepresentation of the actual boundaries, which were based on therapist recommendations and standard protocols in recovery.

Why it matters:

• Safety plans and targeted boundaries are a recognized part of relationship and addiction recovery when there has been a pattern of betrayal or compulsive behavior. These are not about punishing or isolating anyone, but about addressing specific, demonstrated risks in order to rebuild trust and protect everyone involved.

Source:

Mayo Clinic - Compulsive Sexual Behaviour

Back to Top

Why did you “expose” Cam if he was in recovery programs?

• Cam began pursuing recovery only after years of secrecy and only after being confronted with evidence and given an ultimatum by me.

• Although he started therapy, there were ongoing patterns of minimization and withholding information - particularly regarding the most serious issue (his attraction to minors).

• When safety recommendations were made, such as considering a move away from high-risk environments (like living across from an elementary school), these were not implemented, and concerns remained unresolved.

• In my direct experience, recovery work was often inconsistent and focused more on maintaining appearances than on sustained, honest change.

• Decisions to disclose information were made in light of continued secrecy and a pattern of minimizing risk - even with therapists involved.

Why it matters:

• Recovery, in any clinical or ethical model, requires rigorous honesty, transparency, and real behavioral change. When there is an ongoing risk, and someone continues to conceal relevant facts or minimize harm, warning others is supported by established clinical safety standards and ethical guidelines.

Sources:
How Do I Know if My Sex Addict Spouse is Really in Recovery?

The Importance of Honesty in Recovery From Sex Addiction

Back to Top

What did the forensic psychologist identify as Cam’s most serious issues?

According to Peter Stathako, a forensic psychotherapist and clinical supervisor for sex addiction therapists who conducted a professional interview with Cam:

• Peter noted that the most significant concern in Cam’s case was not solely his sexual behavior, but a longstanding pattern of dishonesty - both to others and to himself.

• He also observed that Cam frequently dissociates (i.e., mentally “checking out” or appearing emotionally detached), especially when faced with difficult truths or consequences.

• In his professional assessment, Peter identified compulsive dishonesty as the primary challenge undermining Cam’s recovery and his ability to sustain safe, healthy relationships. Chronic dissociation was noted as a factor further impairing Cam’s capacity to face reality or take responsibility for his actions.

Why it matters

• When someone has patterns of compulsive dishonesty and dissociation, it becomes difficult for others to rely on their disclosures or trust their commitment to change. These are recognized clinical barriers to recovery and relational safety - not simply “mistakes” or lapses, but entrenched issues that require specialized intervention.

Sources:
Overcoming the Habit of Lying in Addiction Recovery

Dissociation and Addiction Recovery: 4 Strategies to Reconnect and Thrive

Back to Top

Why did you have access to Cam’s accounts and devices?

• Following the recommendation of Dr. Jocelyn Monsma Selby, a forensic psychologist specializing in paraphilic disorders and sexual addiction, Cam was advised to provide full transparency by allowing me access to his accounts, devices, and passwords.

• Prior to this, Cam had already researched and installed accountability software and set up a profile for me. He voluntarily agreed to and provided access, consistent with best practices in betrayal trauma and compulsive sexual behavior recovery.

• This arrangement was not about spying, control, or violating privacy. It was a therapist-directed safety measure, mutually agreed upon, with the sole purpose of restoring safety and trust after repeated betrayal.

• For the record: I did not change any passwords or access these accounts until after the no-contact period began, and only for reasons that were documented and relevant to my own safety.

Why it matters

• Transparency and accountability are widely considered standard requirements in evidence-based betrayal trauma recovery. When there is a history of secrecy, dishonesty, or compulsive behavior, supervised access to devices and accounts is not only recommended but is often necessary to rebuild trust. Any claims that this was “controlling” misrepresent the actual clinical guidance and mutual agreement.

Sources:
Recovery From Infidelity With Transparency

How to Heal Betrayal Trauma: A Complete Guide

Back to Top

Why didn’t you just “stand by him” and support his recovery?

• For many months - even after learning of Cam’s attraction to minors - I actively supported his recovery. I located therapists and meetings, helped arrange recovery programs, and advocated for specialized care, often at significant emotional and financial cost to myself.

• My support went beyond what most partners provide. However, as betrayals continued and Cam declined to be voluntarily transparent, it became unsafe and unsustainable for me to continue offering unconditional support.

• Cam often said he needed structure and accountability. I worked to provide this—organizing routines, setting clear boundaries, and encouraging participation in group supports.

• During periods when there was strong external structure and accountability, Cam did not relapse. While he sometimes described this environment as “pressured,” my intention was always mutual safety and progress - not control.

• When I enforced a no-contact period (to allow us both to focus on our own healing), Cam became resentful and disengaged from accountability groups and recovery supports. He sought out individuals who would not challenge him. Without external structure, he returned to old patterns - including behaviors that were harmful to both of us.

• At a certain point, I had to decide whether to continue enabling a dynamic that was harming both of us, or to set boundaries for my own well-being. I chose to follow established clinical guidance and prioritize my safety.

Why it matters

• Supporting someone’s recovery does not mean accepting ongoing betrayal or shielding harmful secrets. Lasting change requires accountability and consistent effort, not just comfort or “doing it your own way.”

Sources:
Why Boundaries Matter

What Is the Difference Between Supporting and Enabling?

How to Stop Enabling Your Loved One's Addictions

Back to Top

But Cam was showing “progress” - why end it?

• Cam made visible progress for a period (January - April 2025), especially while I was actively managing structure and boundaries for both of us.

• However, when greater accountability was required - such as considering moving away from a school or ending harmful obsessions - he struggled and relapsed into secrecy and self-sabotage.

• In my experience, his “progress” appeared heavily dependent on the external structure and comfort I provided. After I enforced a no contact period in May, and those supports were removed, his commitment to change faded.

Why it matters:

• Early or supervised recovery is not the same as lasting recovery. Sustainable change is demonstrated by consistent, independent action over time - not just temporary improvements under external management.

Sources:

Healing for Partners of Sex Addicts

Setting Boundaries in a Relationship With a Sex Addict

Back to Top

What is this talk about “values incompatibility” or “cultural differences”?

The reasons our relationship ended were not differences in values, culture, or my decision to share information about Cam. The primary causes were:

• A sustained pattern of secrecy and dishonesty

• Repeated violations of agreed-upon boundaries

• Ongoing harm that was discussed and documented in therapy

Hobbies vs. Values:

• “Playfulness,” defined as enjoying video games or board games, is a personal interest - not a core moral value.

• Presenting hobbies as core values can be a way to avoid addressing deeper relationship issues.

Fairness and Boundaries:

• Cam often described boundaries (e.g., limiting contact with females, restricting certain game nights) as “unfair.”

• These boundaries were established in response to repeated betrayals and loss of trust - not to control or punish.

• Labeling safety measures as “unfair restrictions” reframes the narrative and bypasses the underlying reasons for their necessity.

Composure and Emotional Honesty:

• In practice, Cam’s definition of “composure” meant he expected not to be confronted with anger, disappointment, or grief, even after multiple betrayals.

• This created an impossible standard where my only “acceptable” response was calmness - regardless of the situation.

• When I showed natural emotional responses, Cam sometimes used this as justification for secrecy (“I don’t feel safe around her”), which shifted focus away from the actual harm.

Deflection and Narrative Shift:

• It’s common in betrayal trauma for someone causing harm to explain a breakup as “incompatibility,” instead of acknowledging patterns of dishonesty or avoidance.

• This shift in narrative occurred at several points in our relationship, including January 2024 when further dishonesty came to light.

Pattern, Not Personality:

• The “values” narrative was often used to avoid examining specific actions and choices that eroded trust.

• Betrayal trauma literature identifies this as a common form of deflection - focusing on abstract “differences” instead of concrete behaviors.

Honesty and Repair:

• No two people share identical values, but healthy relationships are built on honesty, accountability, and a willingness to repair.

• When those are missing, “values incompatibility” becomes a convenient but inaccurate explanation for deeper, documented issues.

Why it matters:

• Expecting honesty, fidelity, and respect for boundaries is not a matter of “values incompatibility” - these are the basic requirements for safety and trust in any healthy relationship. Framing the breakup as “incompatibility” or “cultural difference” may help preserve someone’s self-image, but it does not reflect the facts or what was necessary for genuine healing.

Sources:
Gaslighting in Relationships

What Is Gaslighting in Relationships

Is Your Partner Gaslighting You

Back to Top

Why did you eventually stop offering comfort, sex, and compassion?

• For years, I offered Cam emotional support and physical intimacy - even after betrayals. I only withdrew these after repeated violations and after seeing my support used in ways that felt harmful to my own well-being.

• Over time, I noticed that Cam remained engaged in the relationship primarily when I provided emotional support, understanding, and physical intimacy. When those forms of support were no longer available - because of ongoing harm or boundary violations - he often questioned the value of staying, and shifted blame to me for the changes in our relationship. My intent in setting these boundaries was never to punish, but to protect myself from further harm.

• When I stopped providing comfort and support, Cam often described me as “the problem” or “controlling.” My intent was not to punish, but to protect myself from further harm.

Why it matters:

• No one is obligated to provide intimacy or emotional labor when they feel unsafe or repeatedly harmed. Withholding these is a boundary, not a weapon. It’s not punishment to withdraw support after repeated harm. No relationship can survive on one-sided comfort or intimacy.

Sources:
Betrayal Trauma & Intimacy

Back to Top

Why did Cam claim you were “controlling” or “triggered by everything”?

• Throughout our relationship, Cam often described me as “controlling” or “triggered by everything” whenever I enforced boundaries that were discussed and recommended by professionals. These boundaries were always set in response to specific incidents or patterns of harm - not arbitrarily.

• When I prioritized my own safety and well-being, and stopped enabling or covering for his behavior, he often responded by portraying me as the problem. In my experience, this was a way to avoid addressing the impact of his actions.

• It’s important to note that emotional “triggers” are recognized clinical symptoms of betrayal trauma, not personal flaws or character defects.

• Mental health professionals refer to this kind of pattern - where someone accused of harm reverses blame onto the person setting boundaries - as “DARVO” (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender), which is a well-documented dynamic in relationships involving chronic betrayal or boundary violations.

Why it matters:

• Accusing a partner of being “controlling” after repeated betrayals can be a way to deflect from one’s own actions and avoid genuine accountability.

Sources:
DARVO

Betrayal Trauma Triggers

Boundaries vs Control in Relationships

Back to Top

Why are you sharing this now?

• For years, I maintained Cam’s privacy and did not disclose details about our relationship, out of respect for confidentiality. I only chose to come forward publicly after Cam edited and shared my private letter without my consent, and began sharing a version of events with friends and family that did not include the full context.

• When key information was omitted or minimized and I was portrayed as the cause of the problems, I felt it necessary to provide accurate information and clarify the record for those who might otherwise only hear one side.

• My intention is not revenge or retaliation, but self-respect and ensuring that my perspective and the relevant facts are not erased from the narrative.

Why it matters:

• Remaining silent in the face of misinformation and scapegoating can perpetuate harm and prevent others from making informed choices. Transparency protects against further risk.

Sources:
Dishonesty is Abuse

Understanding Reactive Abuse: What You Need to Know

Psychological Scars of Silent Treatment

Back to Top

How does Cam manage his image, and why does it matter?

• In my experience, Cam has consistently shown a high level of concern for how he is perceived, especially by women and authority figures. Throughout our relationship, I observed that he often put effort into curating how others saw him - sometimes by sharing selected or edited versions of communications, omitting context, or presenting himself in a way that emphasized misunderstanding or victimhood.

• I also noticed a pattern where Cam would share his perspective primarily with individuals likely to be supportive or sympathetic, rather than those who might challenge or question him. In my view, this focus on image sometimes took priority over addressing difficult truths or making substantive amends.

Why it matters:

• When image management takes precedence over honest self-reflection and accountability, important facts and risks may be minimized or overlooked. It’s important to consider all perspectives before reaching conclusions, especially when safety and trust are involved.

Sources:
Common Ways People with Addiction Manipulate Others

Understanding Addiction Manipulation Tactics

Narcissism in the Sexually Addicted Population

Back to Top

Why does Cam seek female "validation", and what’s the risk?

• While some might call it "seeking validation," in this context it's not general approval of affirmation from anyone - it's specifically sexual validation or sexual gratification. His attention-seeking is limited to women, with the goal of feeling sexually desirable or using that attention for sexual fantasy or arousal.

• This is a consistent pattern in Cam’s life. Instead of focusing on a single connection, Cam routinely maintained multiple attachments at the same time, continually seeking out new sources of sexual validation and gratification through fantasy. This ongoing rotation was not limited to past relationships, but extended to women he barely knew or only interacted with online.

• He often formed secret attachments or inappropriate conversations to fill self-esteem gaps, even when it jeopardized his primary relationship. When boundaries were enforced or one connection was lost, he would quickly shift focus to others already in his network.

Why it matters:

• Relationships built on a constant need for external sexual gratification are unstable and unsafe, especially when boundaries are repeatedly crossed to maintain that supply. This pattern increases risk to partners and erodes trust.

Sources:
Narcissism in the Sexually Addicted Population

3 Ways Approval-Seeking Is a Threat to Love Relationships

Sex Addiction, Hypersexuality and Compulsive Sexual Behavior

Back to Top

What other patterns of behaviour led to protective boundaries?

Throughout my relationship with Cam, I observed a repeated, multi-layered pattern of dishonesty and boundary violations. These were not isolated “mistakes” but recurring behaviors that made strong, protective boundaries necessary for my own safety and well-being. Key patterns I observed:

Chronic Boundary Violations: 

• Cam frequently broke mutually established agreements - including those regarding sexual and romantic fantasies, digital safety, and communication with women outside the relationship. These were not one-time lapses, but ongoing patterns throughout the relationship, even after explicit discussion and mutual consent.

Mental and Emotional Affairs: 

• Cam engaged in ongoing emotional attachments (sometimes referred to as “limerent objects”) and even a prolonged emotional affair with another woman. He maintained secret conversations and romantic or sexual fantasies about multiple women, including people he knew personally, often without my knowledge or consent.

Compulsive Acting Out: 

• He regularly masturbated to thoughts, images, or videos of women outside our relationship, including some he knew in daily life or online. In some cases, these women were unaware they were being used in this way. This behavior continued even after boundaries were explicitly discussed and agreed upon.

Deception, Lying, and Withholding:

• Cam habitually hid information, omitted key details, or outright lied about his behaviors - especially concerning masturbation, online activities, or contact with other women. He maintained secret accounts and conversations, often breaking agreements and then denying or reframing them.

Manipulation, Gaslighting, and Shifting Blame: 

• When confronted, Cam would minimize his actions, redirect responsibility, or frame himself as the victim (sometimes using DARVO tactics: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender). He often accused me of being “controlling” or “overreacting,” leading me to question my own reality and judgment.

Chronic Distortion and Image Management: 

• He invested significant energy into managing his appearance to others - editing stories, omitting context, and curating what therapists, friends, and family were told to present himself as the “good guy,” “martyr,” or victim. He routinely downplayed the impact of his actions or blamed outside factors to avoid facing the consequences.

Empathy used for Effect: 

• Expressions of remorse or empathy typically surfaced only when consequences were imminent or when it was necessary to regain comfort, trust, or access to intimacy - not as part of consistent accountability or genuine care for those affected.

How This Relates to the Minwalla Model:

• According to Dr. Omar Minwalla, these are forms of integrity abuse - a pattern of chronic, repetitive violation of relational agreements and the manipulation of reality to avoid responsibility.

• Dishonesty and manipulation within intimate relationships inflict psychological and emotional harm, undermine trust, and destabilize safety.

• This pattern is not about isolated “bad choices,” but a systematic problem that requires strong boundaries and specialized intervention.

• Recovery and repair are not possible without rigorous honesty and acknowledgment of harm.

Why it matters:

• Recognizing these patterns is essential for understanding my decisions. These boundaries and disclosures were not about shaming Cam, but about ensuring my own safety and providing necessary context for those affected. My intent is transparency and accountability - not revenge.

Sources:
Healthline – Narcissistic Personality Traits

Dishonesty is Abuse

The Narcissist's Airtight Victim Narrative

Back to Top

Does Cam show real empathy, or is it only surface-level?

• Based on my observations throughout our relationship, Cam frequently appeared to express empathy, particularly in public settings, with recovery fellows, or in front of women. However, this empathy often coincided with situations where being perceived as caring or “the good guy” would benefit him - whether through approval, sexual gratification, or comfort.

• Cam’s displays of empathy often aligned with his desire for female approval and sexual gratification, or when he wanted to maintain a positive public image. In private, especially after betrayals or during conflict, his empathy was short-lived or conditional - frequently shifting focus back to his own discomfort or needs.

• Motivation and manipulation: While it may have appeared outwardly sincere, over time I observed that these displays of empathy were sometimes linked to underlying motives: to manage how he was perceived, avoid consequences, or gain emotional or sexual gratification. Clinical literature notes that in certain relational dynamics, empathy can be performed as a strategy to influence others, rather than as a sign of genuine care or remorse.

Why it matters:

• When expressions of empathy are used primarily to shape perception or meet personal needs - rather than to repair trust or acknowledge harm - it erodes the foundation of safety in a relationship. This pattern contributed to the need for clear boundaries and accountability in my interactions with Cam.

Sources:
Narcissistic Empathy

What Is an Empathy Deficit? What to Do About It

Recognizing the Empathy of Narcissists

Back to Top

What this was NOT about

• Not about control: Every boundary was discussed in therapy, based on professional recommendations, not jealousy or pNot about control: Every boundary discussed was based on professional recommendations and, where possible, discussed in therapy. Boundaries were set for safety, not out of jealousy or a desire for punishment.

• Not about revenge: Disclosures and boundaries were made to protect myself and others from further harm. My intent was safety and truth, not to damage Cam’s reputation or life.

• Not about a single incident: This FAQ addresses an ongoing, multi-year pattern of harm, secrecy, and broken trust - not a reaction to one argument or isolated event.

Back to Top

What should you do?

• Protect your privacy: Review your privacy settings and remain cautious about sharing personal information with anyone who has a history of secrecy or boundary violations.

• Trust your instincts: If something feels off, ask questions and seek clarity - especially in relationships where patterns of secrecy or dishonesty have occurred.

• Request more information: If you would like further details, documentation, or relevant resources (for yourself or for your children), you may contact me privately. I will only share additional information if it is necessary for safety and with respect for privacy.

• Your right to informed consent: Everyone has the right to understand who they are dealing with, especially when it comes to patterns that may affect their safety or the safety of others.

Back to Top

References & Further Resources

Minwalla Model - Dishonesty is Abuse

Minwalla Model - Deceptive Sexuality & Trauma Resource Library

Minwalla Model - Ten Steps to Building a Secret Sexual Basement 

Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR.org)

APSATS – Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists

A4CT - The Importance of Boundaries in Sex Addiction

Mayo Clinic - Compulsive Sexual Behavior

Safer Society Foundation

Betrayal Trauma Therapy: Healing from Betrayal Trauma

10 Ways Blame-Shifting Can Harm a Relationship

Back to Top